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Humor Writing

  1. Tweet More or Eat Sh*t, Because I’m Roidin’ Up This Zoo’s Social Media […] Welcome to Hell, nimrods. This is your last day as employees of the Cincinnati Zoo and your first day as global brand ambassadors of a […]
  2. Welcome to Our Extremely Tasteful, Dangerously Haunted Dream Home, by […] You are cordially invited to an elegant housewarming function at the home of Colette and Tad Newman this Saturday. Address: 666 Hemlock […]
  3. How I Bought a House at 25 by Saving Up and Also Being the Daughter of the […] As a millennial, I’m so frustrated when I see my peers complaining about their circumstances. The idea that my generation is entirely helpless […]
  4. ‘Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret’ Updated For Adult Women Who […] Are you there god? It’s me, Margaret. I go by Mags now. Last time we chatted, I had just gotten my period. A lot has happened since. I’m 26 […]
  5. Essential Advice for Your First Party, by Matt Corluka If you’re here, in my class, then you already know my story. Until I was 21, I’d never been to a party. And then everything changed. I went to […]
  6. Long Works of Literature Made Shorter—and Better—with the Addition of […] Atlas Shrugged “Who is John Galt?” The light was ebbing, and Eddie Willers could not distinguish the bum’s face. The bum had said it simply, […]
  7. I Am Gareth the Bold, and I Fear No Confrontation, by Graham Techler I’m going to stop you right there, and it won’t throw me one bit. I ordered this meal with the Dressing of a Thousand Islands and this is […]
  8. Odysseus Reviews the New Translation of ‘The Odyssey,’ by Michael Maiello “Tell me about a complicated man,” begins Emily Wilson’s translation of The Odyssey, which is the story of me, Odysseus. I read this […]
  9. Cute and Unlikely Human Companions, by Ralph GamelliStepping out her door, Helen Malloy was completely unprepared for what she saw. There on the front yard, her husband Gus—famous for angrily […]
  10. Men Find Me Intimidating Just Because I’m a Sentient Robot Sent Here From […] When I first arrived at these time-vector coordinates to stalk and kill John Connor, future leader of the human resistance, I didn’t realize […]
  11. Winter Blues Band for Hire, by Bizzy Coy Dear Nightclub Booker, Hi. I’m Dugan Rathbone, guitarist and lead vocalist for Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band, the nation’s only […]
  12. Marvel, Why Haven’t You Financed My Insect-Hero Film ‘The Fantastic Franz […] Dear Marvel Studios, Over the past few years, your production company has financed many big-budget, high-octane, insect-inspired films […]
  13. An Excerpt from ‘Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your […]How to Pick the Perfect Blood Diamond for Your Engagement Ring So, the two of you are ready to make a lifelong commitment, and you’ve […]
  14. I’ll Be Holding a Red Rose, by Lucas GardnerHey Sandra, Just wanted to say I can’t wait for our blind date this Friday! I’ll see you 7 o’ clock sharp at Maguire’s Pub. Since you don’t […]
  15. An Excerpt from ‘TITLE 13,’ by Michael A. Ferro Thirty-seven pages of highly classified TITLE 13 material were reported missing at the Chicago Regional Census Center on Wednesday […]
  16. A Celebrity Profile That’s Only Descriptions of What They Were Wearing, If […] Grace Schoeppner looks as if she has just stepped out of a dictionary, the one she occupies as the definition of the word “chic.” Floating […]
  17. So I Prefer a More Form-Fitting, European Cut on My Tailored Outerwear. […]Oh, am I causing a scene? Is this too much? Maybe you’re fine with the absolute bare minimum of quality when it comes to your wardrobe. Maybe […]
  18. You Hit the Paywall, You Stupid F***ing Idiot, by Brian Agler   You stupid fucking idiot. I can’t believe you just burned through your tenth free article this month and thought that we wouldn’t notice. […]
  19. Inky’s Letter, by Barbara Holm My Dearest Clyde, I lay pen to pixelated paper on day 487,000 of this desolate bloodshed. Every treacherous battle is the same. My brethren […]
  20. How to Stay Friends Once Your Girlfriends Settle Down with Their Pet […] Growing up is difficult. We all reach adulthood at different points. For me personally, a lot of my friendships started to change at that […]
  21. Wonka, Inc. Quarterly Report, by Patrick Muncie To: The Board of Directors and Shareholders of Wonka Chocolates and Confections, Inc. From: Charles “Charlie” Bucket, Chairman and […]
  22. I Have Created the World’s First Top Hat; All You Small-Hatted Dullards […] Hear me. Hear me, you worms who do not yet know the extent of your own inferiority. I know that you can see me (for how could you not?), but […]
  23. Everything Leaving Netflix in January 2018, by Keaton Patti Fight Club (1999) Wings (Seasons 1-3) Deborah Sanchez (Got a way better job at Hulu) Matchstick Men (2003) Sam Patterson (Refuses […]
  24. Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent, by Bizzy CoyAmerica, do you like feel-good or feel-bad reality TV? Do you enjoy an unending parade of children being told they’re talented or not talented […]
  25. KRAMER (on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly Situated) vs. […] ’Tis the last day of trial, and to all in the court, I now offer this argument sounding in tort: My client, Miss Kramer, and others […]
  26. UNZIPits: The Pants That Were Designed to Be Left Unzipped, by Sarah Hutto UNZIPits were born out of the all-too-common struggle to capture the effortless charm of the unzipped pant while avoiding having the cops […]
  27. How to Be Good at Comedy, by Johnny G: Comedian and Owner of House of […] So you’re funny around the water cooler, huh? You think you got what it takes to make it big in showbiz? Well, take some notes and listen […]
  28. Help, I’m Bobby Brown and I’m Stuck in This VHS Copy of ‘A Goofy Movie,’ […] Sheesh, am I ever glad you showed up! I’ve spent 22 years stuck here in this plastic purgatory, All the way down here at the bottom of the […]
  29. See Fewer Posts Like This, by Liz Arcury Why Are You Hiding This Post Today? • This post is offensive • This post threatens harm • This post proposes the notion that Adam […]
  30. Another Email About the Tax Brochure from “Jazz Guy” at Work, by Jeffrey […] From the top: Hey, this is Dorian from the tax department — we met last Thursday at the BEPS conference downstairs (I was the one whose silk […]
  31. I’m So Sorry My Panic Room Is Such a Mess, by Ben HargraveOh, wow, this is quite embarrassing. I’m so sorry about all the clutter. Of course, I obviously knew you, Dom, and the kids were coming over […]
  32. A Pairing Menu for Works of Postmodern Literature and Appropriate […] The paranoia-inducing The Crying of Lot 49 by Thomas Pynchon is best paired with a room temperature watermelon wine cooler, which should […]
  33. An Excerpt from ‘Paul Ryan Magazine’: Proust Questionnaire, by Anna Heyward Paul Ryan is the unofficial magazine of the Speaker of the House, brought to you by the team behind The Neu Jorker. Edited by James H. Folta […]
  34. Your Daughter Appears to Be Our Daughter’s Kindergänger, So Now We Have […] Hello, and come in, please! We’re so glad you accepted our invitation to lunch. Can I get you some water or iced tea? We might have a beer or […]
  35. Excerpts from Frankie Muniz’s Autobiography That Make Me Think It Was […] I remember the day my mom got the call that I landed the part of Malcom in Malcom in the Middle. She was grinning from ear to ear when she […]
  36. Congratulations, You Have Been Invited To Hawktoberfest, by Dan Caprera Dear Mr. Kensington, It is with great joy that I tender to you my deepest and sincerest “congratulations.” Over the past few decades, you […]
  37. The Writers’ Room: A Documentary, by Matt Corluka Imagine a place with the musical genius of Jared Leto and the geological wonder of the La Brea Tar Pits. Two conflicting entities: One sucks […]
  38. Unsatisfactory Past Life Regression Results, by Shana Gohd I’d like to begin by thanking you for choosing our Past Life Regression services over similar, albeit less-experienced, providers available. […]
  39. Trump’s ‘Sweet Valley High’ Spec Novel Notes, by Kit Lively Donna is a smart, beautiful, popular girl. Really, really big boobs, maybe? But they let her be head cheerleader anyway, because she can do […]
  40. Out of Office Replies for These Political Times, by Kimberly Harrington I’m sorry I missed your e-mail. As you may have heard, women are no longer allowed to use computers so I’ve actually missed every single […]
  41. The Harrowing, True Story of When I Lost My Wallet at the Farmer’s Market, […] MORNING: MY ROUTINE I wake up in my Brooklyn apartment, put my Pomeranian in her sweater, take the elevator downstairs, and avoid eye […]
  42. These Niche Podcasts Were Made For You! by Brian Alexander TO: mikeymilwaukee33@gmail.com Marginally Attractive Men in Milwaukee. Do you live in Milwaukee? Do you consider yourself a man who’s at […]
  43. I Invented the World’s First Menstruating Drone, by Adrienne Teeley If you would have told me 30 years ago that I, Dr. Ted Montgomery, would end up as one of the most lauded and influential robotics engineers […]
  44. Welcome to the Hayden Panettierium, by Kathryn Doyle Thank you for visiting the Hayden Panettierium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space at the American Museum of Natural History. I, […]
  45. An Excerpt from ‘The Best American Emails,’ by Amanda MeadowsYou’re Invited to a Screening of ~HOCKEY JERKS~ To: amandasjunkmail@ymail.com From: thescreenery@screenery.film Subject: You’re Invited to a […]
  46. My Imaginary Boyfriend Josh, by Hana Michels My grandfather has gotten to that point where he knows he is not going to live forever. In most people’s cases, this is a time to revisit […]
  47. Thanks For Looking After My Five-Headed Bat-Like Creature While I’m Away […] Thanks for taking care of Giuseppe while I’m away on vacation, Shaun. Especially on such short notice! Sarah, the girl who works in business […]
  48. ‘McSweeney’s’ Editor Chris Monks Talks Patreon, Paying for Humor, and the […]McSweeney’s Internet Tendency has provided the web with “almost daily humor” for almost two decades. Over that time, how we use the web, and […]
  49. The Keynote Address at the Association for Aspiring Plumbers, by Chris […] I’m glad to see so many young people here with an interest in pursuing a career in plumbing. However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that […]
  50. On the Eve of a Grand Space Voyage, by Jeremy Freeze Good evening, distinguished members of the world’s first interplanetary exploration team. As you prepare both physically and mentally for the […]
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