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Quote Machine

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    Blake Lively Didn’t Know Ben Affleck Knew Jason BourneRaekwon: JB the new JT.
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    Relax, Lady: Pete Campbell Won’t Drop Your BabyPlus: Chris Colfer will take the stairs next time.
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    Avatar’s Sex Scene to Disappoint Fans of ‘Horizontal Bopping’Plus: Taylor Momsen vexed by Rihanna’s outerwear.
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    M. Night Shyamalan’s European Sensibility Appreciated by JapanesePlus: Taylor Lautner a big fan of kissing Robert Pattinson’s girlfriend.
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    Justin Bieber Is Like the White TupacPlus: Pee Wee Herman uses “science” to explain why that wasn’t him masturbating.
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    You’ll Have to Try Harder Than That to Secretly Record Jessica SzohrPlus: Sofia Vergara on freaky-looking people.
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    Kiernan Shipka Has Seen Parts of Mad MenPlus: Christopher Walken to blame for Kat Dennings’s acting.
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    Snooki Wishes Obama Would Stop Keeping Her on the Down LowPlus: Joan Rivers can see Britney Spears’s future.
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    What Has Two Thumbs and a Beef With Audrey Hepburn?Plus: Leonardo DiCaprio was totally fine with miming sex with Kate Winslet in front of her husband.
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    Ryan Reynolds Saves Life of Green Lantern ScreenwriterPlus: Can Jack White offer you a drink?
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    Ron Artest’s Heart Will Go OnPlus: Katy Perry on her strict no-sex-with-crucifixes policy.
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    Michael Cera Will Let Some Other Schmuck Ruin GhostbustersPlus: Sorry, ladies — time to change that George Clooney screen saver.
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    Drugs to Blame for Mike Tyson’s Career RenaissancePlus: Uncle Phil has a great idea.
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    Lady Gaga Has This Weird Thing That If She Sleeps With Someone, They’re Going to Take Her Creativity From Her Through Her VaginaPlus: Christina Hendricks puts on her nicest duds.
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    M. Night Shyamalan: Exactly Like Michael JordanPlus: The Situation an inspiration.
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    Diddy the Clear Choice to Replace Simon CowellPlus: Of course Tom Hardy has had sex with a man.
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    Jon Hamm Eager to Play Catch, Wear ChapsPlus: Katy Perry makes an important distinction.
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    Zac Efron Not Yet Qualified to Wear TightsPlus: Ke$ha still saying things.
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    M.I.A. Still No Fan of Lady GagaPlus: M.I.A. still not a fan of Lady Gaga.
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    Vincent Kartheiser Finally Breaks Down and Buys a ToiletPlus: Bob Dylan’s son says some stuff.
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    Justin Bieber to Blame for Next Detox DelayPlus: ‘Son of Scarface’ possibly coming soon.
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    Peggy’s Hair Portends Best-Ever Season of Mad MenPlus: Kevin Kline brings the sexlessness.
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    Drake the Perfect Person to Play Obama, Says DrakePlus: Javier Bardem finally finds true love.
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    Michael Cera Wanted to Sax Up Wall Street 2Plus: Miley Cyrus no fan of ‘Twilight.’
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    Jay Baruchel Getting Tired of How Repulsive He IsPlus: David Duchovny sexy enough to have chemistry with a wall.
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    Fans of Placenta Biting to Be Disappointed by Twilight 4Plus: Leonardo DiCaprio will eat after the avalanche.
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    Like, Maybe Pauly Shore Could Be the West Coast’s Woody Allen, You Know What He Means?Plus: Robert Pattinson too tall to play Kurt Cobain.
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    Rereleased Avatar Might Feature Hot Na’vi Sex, or Some Boring StuffPlus: Gwyneth Paltrow just drinking all the time.
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    Drew Barrymore Disparages Worthless Puppies, DaisiesPlus: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is pretty sure he and Ellen Page aren’t stupid.
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    Taylor Momsen Continues Charm OffensivePlus: Lea Michele will give up sleep to play Fanny Brice.
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    If Angelina Jolie Were a Regular Person, She Would Be Entirely Covered in TattoosPlus: M.I.A. digs Jay-Z’s pronunciation of “Metrosexual.”
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    Katy Perry Is As Strong As an ElephantPlus: Lady Gaga’s bed has shoe prints all over it.
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    Pressure’s On for Next Woody Allen MoviePlus: Betty White cast in ‘Breaking Dawn.’
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    Rufus Wainwright’s Poor BlackBerryPlus: Kristen Stewart’s fans making her a little nervous.
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    Diddy Reaffirms Position on Hatin’ Ass CrabsPlus: Age nothing but a number for Tom Cruise.
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    Twilight 4 Screenwriter Answers All Your QuestionsPlus: Stephenie Meyer is sorry.
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    Diddy’s Tracks Worth More Than AssPlus: Weird Al almost finished with next masterpiece.
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    Ashley Greene to Be History’s Third-Ever Female ComedianPlus: Kid Sister puts it all in perspective.
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    Big Boi Named His Shark Billy OceanPlus: Bryce Dallas Howard narrowly escapes death.
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    Larry David: So ModestPlus: James Franco to play 100 gays.
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    Seth Rogen Recognized Everywhere He GoesPlus: Robyn to burn down your house.
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    Marion Cotillard Survives Close Brush With Environmental WorkPlus: John C. Reilly sorry, guesses he will just hump pillow.
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    Kristen Stewart to Have Face TransplantPlus: Ke$ha still saying things.
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    Megan Fox Orders Mickey Rourke to ProcreatePlus: Eva Mendes actually very funny, says Eva Mendes.
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    Robert Pattinson to Plotz When He Reads Breaking Dawn ScriptPlus: Jessica Biel’s character the “lynchpin of A-Team’s story,” says Jessica Biel.
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    Paul Rudd Will Get an Anchorman Sequel Made One Way or AnotherPlus: Russell Crowe dead.
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    50 Cent: Lil Wayne Stole That Vest From Cyndi LauperPlus: Smokey Robinson to blame for Tracy Morgan.
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    Tyrese Just Inconsolable About Megan Fox’s Transformers ExitPlus: Music business to collapse any minute now.
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    Rampage Jackson Clears Everything UpPlus: Chris Brown’s visa request denied by country of Europe.
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    Katherine Heigl Thinks She’s FunnyPlus: Mr. T misses more innocent times.
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